


the meanings behind the flowers

by krucxa



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Pining, i'm sorry felix, like it's not much so i'm not even gonna tag it, tagged t only because of the angst, they're still idols in this, this is just sad honestly there's only a little bit of fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 15:36:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13504521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krucxa/pseuds/krucxa
Summary: He didn’t think much of it at first.There, in the middle of his palm, lay a single purple petal of gloxinia. He stared at it for a few seconds, before brushing it off as a one time thing.Maybe he just accidentally swallowed it in his sleep or something. Yeah, it sounded pretty stupid, but the whole situation was weird, so Felix didn’t think about it more.





	the meanings behind the flowers

**Author's Note:**

> i've looked up so much flower meanings for this that it'd last me for my whole life honestly hgjksdh

He didn’t think much of it at first.

He was brushing his teeth when it happened. His mind was still hazy with sleep, and his fingers ran through his hair, trying to pet them down at least a little bit so they wouldn’t be as messy, and his gaze landed on the dark shirt he was currently wearing. He threw it on just after he woke up, not even checking whose it was, but as he actually paid more attention to it now, he could recognize it as the one that Changbin was wearing the day before, and if he tried hard enough, he could smell the lingering scent of the older boy’s cologne on it. 

He shouldn’t have done it. Now it made him think of the other, and the feelings he had for him, that he realized the existence of just a few weeks ago. But he knew that Changbin didn’t return his feeling. He just knew it. Sure, he might’ve liked him as a friend, but a friend only. Nothing else. 

The blonde nibbled on his lip, as he felt something stir deep inside his chest, and he could feel his throat tickling before he went into a coughing fit that lasted for a good few minutes. 

He cleared up his throat, glancing at his hand, back at his reflection in the mirror, but then his eyes widened and he did a double take. There, in the middle of his palm, lay a single purple petal of gloxinia. He stared at it for a few seconds, before brushing it off as a one time thing. 

Maybe he just accidentally swallowed it in his sleep or something. Yeah, it sounded pretty stupid, but the whole situation was weird, so Felix didn’t think about it more. 

●

gloxinia – love at first sight

●

He was hanging out with the rest of the guys when it happened again. 

They were just playing around, filming a vlive, and they did some stupid stuff to make their fans laugh. This is what Felix truly loved doing. The knowledge that there were some people out there, that fully supported him even if he acted like the dumbest dork, made his heart warm, and he smiled sweetly at the camera, waving wildly, before throwing a finger heart and muttering a light _I love you_ to the audience. 

Then Chan announced that they’re gonna read some comments and they all crawled closer, squishing everyone in a big cuddle session. Felix ended up being side hugged by Changbin, the older boy’s eyes stuck on the tablet currently filled with all the love from their fans, a small, barely visible smile on his lips, that took Felix’s breath away. He let his gaze linger on the boy’s face, his twinkling eyes, his adorable grin, how pink and soft his lips looked in the lighting, and he felt the desire to touch them, to caress his cheeks, to leave light kisses across his smooth skin, and he pinched his thigh to get rid of all these thoughts. He couldn’t do it. He’ll never even get the chance to try. Changbin doesn’t love him this way, and even if he did, they couldn’t date, not only because of their contracts, but also because this was Korea. Not Australia. People weren’t as open minded about same gender couples here as they were where he came from. It would create scandals, and people would drown them with hate. 

But he guessed that he didn’t have to worry about that if Changbin didn’t feel the same way about him. 

So he just bit his lip, as he felt a tickling sensation in his throat, scratching at it unconsciously, but it didn’t seem to go away. 

He ended up excusing himself to the bathroom, where he stood, hunched over a sink, as his body twitched with all his coughs. His knuckles became white from how strongly he gripped the sink, trying to hold himself up, as his knees trembled, suddenly weak. It was a miracle that the rest of his band didn’t hear his wheezing as he tried to catch his breath again. 

After some minutes passed, the coughing finally stopped, and he brushed his mouth with the back of his palm, staring at the yellow tulip petals that now filled the sink, and he took some deep breaths to calm himself down, feeling the anxiety seep into him from the realization of what exactly was happening to him. 

He quickly dumped all of the petals into one of the toilets, flushing it afterwards, and splashing his face with some cold water before leaving the room. 

He schooled his expression to a calm smile, and he plopped himself in between Jisung and Jeongin, ignoring the confused glance that Changbin shot him. 

He couldn’t tell anyone about the disease that took over his lungs. He couldn’t worry them anymore than they already were with the debut they had before them. 

So he crunched in his fist every stray petal that fell from his lips that day. 

●

yellow tulips – hopeless love

●

It was a long week for him, filled with practice, a small break, more practice, an even smaller break, and then even more practice, which left him exhausted, and he couldn’t wait to finally go to bed. 

When he actually lied down, though, as his body melted into the blankets, his eyes stayed open, staring up at the ceiling, whishing for the sleep to take him, but he wasn’t as lucky as he hoped he was. 

He didn’t even realize that he stood up and walked out of his room, until he was knocking softly on the door of one of their dorms, specifically the one that Changbin lived in. He carefully opened the door, looking around the room, and he slowly made his way to where Changbin was lying in his bed, cautious not to wake anyone up. 

“You couldn’t fall asleep, either?” muttered a scratchy from using it way too much lately, voice. Felix hummed in reply, noticing that his own voice seemed to be even deeper than usual, probably from the late hour. 

“Can I sleep in here?” he asked, scratching nervously at his arm, and after a few seconds of silence, Changbin lifted up the covers, shying away to make some space for the other boy, who quickly lied beside him, burying himself in the blankets. 

“Thank you,” mumbled the blonde, just loud enough for the older to hear him, and he felt an arm sneak around his chest, before Changbin let his head fall onto Felix’s shoulder. 

“No problem. Now, sleep,” he replied, and Felix stared at him in the darkness, wishing that this would be what he fell asleep to every night, cuddled with Changbin, just to wake up the next day to see the older boy still in his arms, to kiss his closed eyelids, to be able to tell him how much the other meant to him – but he couldn’t, and he felt the back of his throat itch. 

When he was sure that Changbin finally fell asleep, he quietly coughed up a few petals of pink camellia. 

●

pink camellia – longing for you

●

The whole group was chilling in their dorms. It was weekend, and they had a whole day for themselves, so they all ended up sleeping in and cuddling a lot with the other members. Chan was making them some lunch, and Seungmin was making sure that Hyunjin doesn’t even take a curious glance at the kitchen, since none of them wanted the boy to somehow burn their whole dorm by trying to make some food. Jisung also cuddled Minho, just to be safe. The older boy might not be as bad in the kitchen as Hyunjin, but they still eyed him cautiously any time he even stepped into the room. 

Felix sat on one of the stray chairs that stood in the kitchen, as Chan walked around the place, grabbing the things he needed to make whatever he had in mind. Changbin was leaning on the counter, staring at Chan, clearly interested, and Felix felt something akin to jealousy bloom deep in his chest. 

He wanted Changbin to look at him, not anyone else. He wanted the boy to pay attention to him, and only him. He wanted the older to smile at him softly, to laugh at his jokes, to run his fingers through his blonde locks, to compliment the way he looked that day – but none of this happened. 

Instead, Changbin snickered as Chan lost his footing, almost spilling whatever he was holding at the moment, and let out some uncontrollable giggles when Chan tickled him in revenge. 

Felix could feel another coughing fit coming when he saw Changbin feeding Chan and example of what the older boy just made, and the approving smile he shot their leader when the older hummed, mumbling that it actually came out good. 

The blonde nibbled at his lip again, accidentally biting it a little too hard and drawing out blood. He hissed under his breath at the sting, the other two not even noticing, too engrossed in the food. 

That night, as he was getting ready to sleep, he coughed up so much yellow hyacinth, he actually had to run to the bathroom to get rid of all of it. 

●

yellow hyacinth - jealousy

●

He hasn’t seen Changbin in a while now – as the whole group got a few days to meet up with their friends or family, and both Chan and Felix stayed in their dorms, because they thought it was too little time to fly back to Australia. 

It’s not that he didn’t like spending time with Chan – of course he did, he was their leader after all, and he tried as much as he could for them all to debut. He also was Australian, too, which helped a lot when Felix just became a trainee, the older reminding him of his home, and always extending a helping hand when it came to the language barrier and everything else that Felix had trouble with at first. 

But as he sat in his room, in their almost empty dorm, his thoughts kept going back to Changbin. He even snatched one of the boy’s hoodies, hoping that it would help him stop thinking about the way the he missed the older’s presence, but it didn’t help. If only, it just made it worse. 

He felt a physical, actual pain in his chest, as his mind was stuck on loop, replaying again and again – I miss him, I miss him. 

No matter how much he acted like everything was okay, it actually wasn’t. _He_ wasn’t okay. 

All the bottled up feelings finally burst, and he didn’t even realize that he was crying, until he felt Changbin’s hoodie getting wet with his own tears, his throat clenching, making it hard for him to breathe. 

And he just wanted the older boy to be here with him, to hug him, to whisper that it’s gonna be okay, to brush away his tears, just to make him feel safe. 

But he was alone, in his empty room, in Changbin’s stupid, warm hoodie, and he couldn’t stop himself from coughing up forget-me-nots that he didn’t even try to hide anymore. 

●

forget-me-not – exactly what the name says, remembrance

●

Changbin was finally back, and Felix couldn’t be happier. 

After Felix coughed up the forget-me-nots that one time, Chan walked in on him sobbing, and found out about what was plaguing him. He apologized, again and again, for not noticing it sooner, but Felix quickly told him to stop, as it was all his own fault. And now Chan was gonna tell everyone else, one person after another, after asking for Felix’s permission, of course – the only person he didn’t want to know was Changbin. 

He loved him too much to make him worried. 

But now, as he and the older boy lied side by side in the shadow casted by a tree, he forgot about any of his worries. Changbin asked him to go there with him, just to enjoy each other’s presence in silence, and how could Felix say no to the way his eyes sparkled in the sunlight, or how he smiled so brightly when he accepted the offer. 

He didn’t notice when Changbin inched just a little bit closer, or how he looked at him with a gentle smile, as Felix lay there, with his eyes closed, breathing in and out slowly. He only opened his eyes when he felt the other’s thumb caress his cheek slowly, and he glanced at the older boy questioningly. 

The boy just shot him a soft smile, crawling even closer and planting a small peck on his cheekbone, before showing him a bouquet of flowers that he was hiding behind his back the whole time. 

Felix’s heart started beating quicker, so much quicker, like it wanted to jump out of his chest, when he recognized what flowers exactly those were, and what meaning they had behind them. 

●

red tulip – perfect, undying love

●

Needless to say, he hadn’t coughed up any more petals ever since. 


End file.
